Everyone has those not-so-fond memories of waking up hot, damp, and possibly wanting to die... more specifically, HUNGTHEFUCKOVER. This includes our diverse group of liquor lappin, beer blastin, shot gunnin, wily ass bitches at SYNT, for we have certainly had to address our fair share of these unpleasant moments. As a result, we’ve cultivated an assortment of remedies to help us breach the darkness so that it is possible to return to a state of normalcy, or more realistically (for some of us crazier bitches)... another night of boozin. For this SYN-full-Thursday we wanted to discuss the differing levels of hangovers and their respective remedies. We have taken into account that hangovers come in a variety of intensities (much in the same way that people do), so there are obviously different ways to tend to the different levels. There are those hangovers where not even a crumb can hang out without your stomach being like, "Get this fuckin' shit outta here!" Other mornings simply require a big glass of cold water accompanied by a delicious breakfast sandwich and some Q.T. with your blankets and a movie. This is where we start...
Level One- "Dumpy Debbie"
As opposed to "Debbie Downer"... Dumpy Debbie is in high-spirits for a night well spent, but not exactly on her game. Brain pounding, tired, weak and delicate- there are many solutions, but a bangin breakfast sandwich paired with copious amounts of either water, tea, Gatorade, or Emergen-C should get you started...
Remedy: An English muffin, bagel, or Croissant- whichever you prefer- TOAST IT1 egg (2 if you’re hungry, 3 if you have a death wish) make sure to break the yolk- an uncooked yolk- although super tasty- will end up all over the damn place- not worth it. SOME CHEESE! Provolone, Swiss, Mozzarella, Muenster, Gouda, whatever just make sure that shit is... MELTED! Brie is also kick ass- just smear it on. If you’re a meat eater- Sausage, bacon, ham, or turkey are tasty, but these can certainly be substituted with any vegan/vegetarian/tomato slice and so on and so on that you please. **KICK THIS BABY INTO ORBIT by adding Avocado, Tomato, Hot sauce, Blood from a new born, maple syrup, garlic powder, S+P, crushed up aspirin/Tylenol mixed into the S+P and added - in any combination and at your discretion.
Level Two- "Life Lacker"
You may or may not have puked by now. There isn’t much you can hold down but what dignity you have left. Like the Dumpy Debbie level, you need to hydrate your dry ass and rest your aching bod. But when it comes to eating, proceed with caution!! You should definitely try to eat something, because that is what will help you recover best. But the last thing you want to do is to make a run for nearest toilet/acceptable place to puke. This is a simple snack that shouldn’t be hard to make (depending on how paralyzed you are) as well as hard to keep down...
Remedy: On Bread or Crackers (Triscuits, Ritz, Club, etc.) spread peanut butter on top, and then garnish with banana slices. This shouldn’t take long to prepare, and will also probably be safe to eat after you pass out and they’ve been abandoned on your bedside table. If you can't handle the banana then do without... or eat whatever the fuck you can hold down!
Level Three- "Call the Clergy"
The devil is inside of you and it seems like the only thing that can possibly save you is a full blown exorcism (click it-fucking hilarious). Time will just not do in the immediate, but you really have no choice. You hate yourself for that last shot or two that you definitely did not need and you just want the pain to go away. Forget trying to eat... chances are you can't even hold down water without vomitting it back up in 5-10 minutes...
Remedy: R & R until you can return to simply being a life lacker with digestive capabilities
**RESPECT to PYTitty for assisting in the creation of this post AND please feel free to post any of your remedies or trick to any of the levels... we'd also love to hear about delicious recipies and hangover stories too!!**
first of all, excellent work scatter d and py titty. i love everyone and have been missing the posts! i hate lives being busy!! anyway, i really feel you super hard on all these especially the breakfast sandwich part which is me every morning basically.
ReplyDeletemy best hangover cure is a tall, frosty fountain bev. i don't drink so much soda but my sister, monica, would always demand "fountain DCs" after long nights at the black oak tavern and she basically taught me everything i know about drinking and life and we would make our dad drive us to get them and then down to the parking garage to get her car which she would have abandoned the night before.
i guess it's the club soda or whatever the fuck is added to fountain sodas which make them so much better than can form but they are amazing and thirst quenching and all i want when i'm hungover.
waking up drunk is super fun by the way but sometimes i will and think i can handle food that i can't and then it turns into a not fun thing at all. like the morning after my 18th birthday (which, during the night before, i would literally puke and then five minutes later take another shot and then mixed the beast with generic brand sprite and demanded that everyone drink my BEER SPRITZERS..no one said yes) i thought it'd be a really good idea to eat an entire whopper value meal. no, never a good idea let alone when you're hung over. i puked all fucking day and didn't even think i'd be able to enjoy my lobster dinner that evening (i eventually felt okay like, MINUTES before dinner THANK GOD.)
the beer spritzer is fucking hilarious- and also- instead of throwin them back last night and feelin like a salted slug this morning- i must say that the colabo w. SCATTER D kept me from engaging in what may have potentially produced a level 2 morning. On that note- it's time to crack a 40 (colt 45 double malt- DUH) and enjoy this sunny morning!
ReplyDeleteMay I also add that I have driven REEN's ass around town multiple mornings after terrible nights and I would like to add that on the above mentioned morning she was also drunk dialing people on her phone (at 9:45am mind you) and telling them to "BURN IN HELL". My favorite memory however was driving her home after a night of drinking and as we drove past the police station she leaned out the window and puked the brightest yellow bile onto the sidewalk of the station. WINNING!
ReplyDeleteAnd I just want to add that my FAVORITE hangover is waking up with your best friends, taking one look at each other and slapping hands to foreheads in disbelief of last night's actions, then making the biggest cup of coffee to go with the most delicious breakfast, and spending the rest of the day snuggled on the couch alternating between shitty flicks and trying to reassure the other that "you really weren't that bad dude..."
I LOVE EVERYONE!
Thank you thank you Scatter D and PYTitty for that post. It comes aptly on the brink of St. Patty's Day weekend...which I will be spending in Boston, hopefully totally and completely shitfaced since I have not been in that rare form in quiiiite some time. I will sorely be missing Oneonta at this festive time of year (sigh...) but I think Boston will come in as a very close second.
ReplyDeleteI would also like to add that when I am dealing with a hangover, it always helps to take a nice hot shower, pre-breakfast. I always feel that the touch of water soothes the nauseated soul. Also another tip: When I feel like I am going to throw-up, I lean over the sink, take deep breaths, and splash cold water on my lips repeatedly until the feeling passes. It works almost 100% of the time!
ps: is that our friend J.P. sittin' on the porcelain throne at the top of this post??
ReplyDeletescatter d scatter d...all i have to say is...freshman year. actually...nearly every year we've known eachother! I totally agree w/ Lil Beaumont about waking up w/ friends...I especially love the day after a crazy party, and you're with a small handful of friends just going around in circles, reliving the hilariousness of the previous night. I have to say though, one of my favorite hungover moments was going to pick scatter D up at a random house she fell asleep at, finding her in bed w/ a GIANT tabby cat named Giapetto, then, driving back, and randomly seeing BIFF (the very biff who had been upchucking in a backyard the previous night) stumbling down Somerville Ave. looking like a homeless woman about to give into the cold hands of Beelzebub. (one of those "you had to be there" moments
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ReplyDeleteAmen, sisters. Not being unfamiliar whatsoever to those "what the fuck..." mornings, I have developed my own hangover routine. Reen, I'm totally feeling you on the fountain drinks. There's something about the carbonation that settles my tummy and kind of burns my throat. I don't know, feels good! Also, I'm not a big fan of breakfast foods, and typically after a night of boozin' I won't wake up during "breakfast" hours. So, I truly feel that a toasted porteballa mushroom burger with avocado, preferably prepared at a local downtown diner, is where it's at for making life all better. Add cold, cold water and hot, hot tea and you're on your way to feeling fine.
ReplyDeleteBUT, I must say, Dingos in Portland takes the cake for those morning after blues. A funky little bar and restaurant in downtown Portland, Dingos most definitely caters to the queer scene (bonus points in my book) and the boozies. For $6.50 you can get the "Hangover Helper," which is a gigantic breakfast burrito, filled with hash, scrambled eggs, and other delicious diner tid-bits, and a big glass of Bloody Mary (ka-ching). If ya'll are ever in PDX, Dingos' "Hangover Helper" is the ultimate experience.
Ladies, and the interweb world, I would share a story or two, but I'm afraid the stories are just too much. I'm a sloppy grama, what can I say?